Getting over the affair advice?
July 20, 2010 by admin
Filed under Affair Advice
My husband (not even a year) cheated on me a few months ago. He didn’t sleep with her, but he kisses her and he went to his house when we were fighting and he spoke to her on the model a few times / and the phone a few times. and its weather remained unclear, he spent the night there or with his friend, as he says (anyway, he was out all night) (I should also add that it was not in his character It was a good husband, never stayed out all night, not once, the party does not work, just down the man’s family land) Yes, the situation is horrible. But Ive already gone through all the emotions. Ive already said about it, got mad and left, has decided to work on my marriage and came back, but I once sad and threatened divorce. just a rollarcoaster. I finally found what my underlying problem was. It was he didn’t give me the details I needed to get over it. He kept saying “why do you want to know everything” But I was obsessed, I could not finish what I knew. Then he finally told me everything. Things that I had speculated that it befor denied, he finally admitted. after I had all my answers I finally felt I could do the job behind me and my marriage. I think he wants to fix things. Certainly im not an angel in this case I had an affair in the first year of our relationship (just after the marriage), so we have had ups and downs. Now my only problem is trust. Im not obsessed with the case further. Its past, I worked through it, its in the past. But now I’m just worried all the time. hes the SMS, what hes doing on the computer, to which he talks at work. Hes basically put a leash on himself just to make me feel safer and I hate it. we used to do two different things all the time and now I feel sh ** have to be together all the time just for us both know what others are doing. My question is, how can trust my husband i regardless HES will cheat on me? Please no answers on how I should leave the bastard “cheating” We have worked in this case and want to stay together. I just need advice on my trust issues! Thanks! @ Ablex… I call it a case because reguardless if it was just a kiss, he left me and went to another woman and we married at the time. I’ve drilled him time and again accused him of sleeping with her , it crashed several times and seen him cry many times must a man grown, and it still sticks to his gun that he didn’t sleep with her, so I have no choice but to believe and try to trust again. @ Lisa.. I think the root of it was that we were in a fight, and almost called off the wedding a week before. At night it is party he was in the middle of a huge battle. another woman hotter definitely wasn’t. A recently divorced with three children overweight and acne. I think it was just an easy out. Yes, it has open my eyes. I do not blame myself for his stupid mistake. but I knew I was getting mad about every little thing. I was happy with the situation (being stuck at my parents married young) and it depressed me so I could bitch about I would. still no excuse for him to do what he did, but as I said, I think that is the root of the matter.
It takes time to get back to where you were..just time.
Oh and use paragraphs please. Because of that wall of text I had to skim through it.
Well your a braver soul than I am and I wish you luck. The only way the trust will come back is if he earns it. This is not up to you to do it is up to him. You did not cheat so he should have no need to check up on you. His phone, email etc should be an open book. This is his work to do…he needs to prove to you that he can be trusted and that is going to take time.
Have you ever heard the expression “Mind over matter” You have to mentally be strong and if you except any apologies and believe that it will never happen again. Leave it at that. He is still with you. That should tell you something.
I would hardly call a kiss and talking an “affair”.
You have not worked through it all if you are still feeling this insecurity. What are you afraid of? You both need to be yourself, and that means talking to other people and interacting with them. You are having doubts and these are keeping you from enjoying life. If you are both secure that the other person really loves you and will not do anything to really hurt you then you will be able to move on. Deal with all the problems and don’t be afraid to tell each other how you feel. If you are still worried about his texting and being on the computer than you are not over the affair. He needs to be open with what he is doing, cause if it isn’t wrong then he will not care if you see it. Just like this let him read this and be open about it, he will know more how to deal with making everything right, just like you will know how to work to put everything in place.
I think the real question is what provoked him to cheat. Man usually don’t cheat just because someone hotter came along. Is there a underline problem in your marriage? The cheating may just be an outlet for his frustration because this WILL and DID get your attention. Your insecurity comes from your fear that your husband may not be in love with you, or attracted to you any more. If you can identify the real issue here and resolve it, you may be able to work through this much faster.
Trust is trust. You don’t get it automatically. You earn it. Or someone shows you that you can trust them by their actions and habits. You had trust, then it was gone. Now you know it’s gone and you want it back. The closer the two of you are, the more you will trust each other. Since he has been open with you, he deserves the chance to earn your trust. If you are living with the thought that it might happen again, eventually it will. You might as well go separate ways if that is the case. If that’s not the case, you need to recommit your heart to the love you both can have. You must completely put the past away and move on with the desire to love, and trust.
SWEET MILDRED IS MY LEADER..CRAWL INTO HER PLAYPEN WITH ME
The truth of the matter is that if he slept with her or not does not matter. You both seem to have issues in your relationship since you have both had affairs in the past. I suppose that you can love someone and have an affair but you Truly cant be in love with each other and have any affairs. The guilt of just texting someone else would eat you inside. Since you have both decided that you are going to continue to stay together and continue to work on your relationship I would recommend that you spend more time together. I would also recommend that you try a little more risky sex with your husband. You see women cheat for attention but men cheat for something different. So if sex become ordinary and the same with you he is more likely to cheat although not an excuse. Trust issues is not easy… and it will take time… he can do whatever he wants to show you that you can trust him and still be covering it up with another email that you don’t know about, phone, etc etc… You just have to trust him period. It’s okay to check his phone every once in a while if it makes you happy… just remember that if there really was something on the phone that he didn’t want you to see he would have deleted it sooooo it’s pointless… I suppose that the best way to know that a man is into you is by his actions… When a man is into you he calls, text, emails… YOU everyday… he wants to spend all of his free time and more with you… he gets rid of his other friends for you… not unpurpose but because he rather be with you… if he goes to work and is home right from work ready to be with you all day… then you know he is there for you… In a fight you or him should never walk out… never sleep with someone else or at another location… always make-up it’s part of being married. You should both vow to each other that you nor him will ever walk out on each other. If you make it throw this you will have a stronger relationship… I wish you both the Best! Good LUCK
IMO this will be the best advice you will get regarding this situation.
Go buy a book, “After The Affair” by Janice Spring.
Its about $15.00 and available on Amazon if you don’t have a bookstore nearby.
This book is written by couples counseling professionals and details in a very clear step by step
method of dealing with infidelity. It is written for the unfaithful AND the betrayed.
It matters not whether he banged her. The kiss amounts to swapping fluids and
violates trust which equates to affair.
It is the destruction of trust which is the biggest part.
All you describe, needing to know details, his avoidance, all discussed.
The most important aspect, REBUILDING TRUST is detailed.
Do yourself a very big favor and buy this book and read it.
Then give it to him and have him read it.
Whether you decide to work it out or give it up this is a huge benefit.
Hun, you did the right thing to save your marriage. Too many people pick up and leave for any unhappiness they feel. No one ever said marriage would be easy. Yes, with all the good times there will be some pretty horrible times too. As long as you know your man, you know he is a good husband, then you made the right decision on working it out. And it appears as if he is doing all he can to make restitution to you. For now, it will have to be this way, where you will not trust him. This is normal. After all the trust was broken, so hang in there, do what you can do get rid of doubt, even if it means spending all your time together, checking. I say this because with doubt will come no building on trust. After a time you will learn to trust again. There is no time limit but you will. All marriages come with challenges and you were wise to become aware of the fact that your marriage was in trouble. I do not condone cheating but can understand how it can happen. A couple becomes so engaged in disagreements that it takes its toll on the relationship. Get into counseling so that you and your husband can better work on things. Good luck to you and I commend you on your maturity and your commitment on giving your marriage a chance!
It will take time. Remember you chose to stay, so let go. He chose to stay after your affair, that needs to be let go as well. By that I mean – you still haven’t forgiven yourself. You allow it to be an excuse for his current infidelities. A relationship is not trying to get each other back….it’s tshowing love and respect for each other.
Good luck. LET GO or get out.