Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Requires To Know… And What You Can Do To Help

Recent statistics show that 40% of women (and this number is increasing) and 60% of men at some point engage in adultery. Put these numbers and it is estimated that 80% of marriages one spouse at one time or another involved in marital infidelity. This may seem a very steep. However, after two decades of working full time as a marriage and family therapist, I do not think that number is off the charts. I worked with a large number of people involved in infidelity, which were never found. The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (one of the three parties) is extremely high. Maybe you know. You will see telltale signs. You notice changes in the habits of the person and behavior as well as a secondment, lack of concentration and reduced productivity. Perhaps you feel that something “character” but be unable to identify what it is. This is not a given that he / she tells you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The “victim” of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is no stranger to anger, hurt, embarrassment and the thought of not disclosing that hamper the crisis. It may be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the state of your relationship with the person. It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes. Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of infidelity. Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity, lack of intimacy in marriage. Others come from trends of dependence or a history of sexual confusion or trauma. Some in our culture play questions of law and power by becoming “trophy hunters.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some get involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are seduced by the idea of “being in love” and have that “loving feeling.” An extramarital affair Domestic-perhaps for revenge, or because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rabies. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different. Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being “OK” may lead to usually a short-term affair with one person. And Finally, some cases are a dance that attempts to balance the needs of distance and intimacy in marriage, often with the collusion of her husband. The prognosis for survival of marriage is different for everyone. Some cases are the best thing happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. In addition, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies from the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. patience and understanding demand more. The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. The days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and follow unproductive. It usually takes 2 – 4 years of “working through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and smooth the process. I do not recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially. The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. The trust is broken – its ability to discern the truth. The most important step is to learn not to trust the other person, but to learn to trust yourself. Another is the force that plays in the relationship secret. The secret requires emotionally, and sometimes physical toll that must be recognized and treated. How can you help? Those in the middle of their affair crisis told me they need this from you: 1. Sometimes I want to evacuate, expel, without censorship. I know sometimes I say what I should not say. It can be beautiful, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get off my chest. 2. Every so often I want to hear something like “This too shall pass.” Remind me that it’s not forever. 3. I want to be validated. I know I’m OK. You can do better than signs of acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion. 4. I want to hear sometimes, “What do you learn? What do you take care of yourself?” Maybe I need some shock that moves me beyond my pain to see the bigger picture. 5. I may want space. I want you to be calm and patient as I try to sort out and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through it. 6. I want someone to point out a few new options or different paths I could take. But before that, make sure that I am first heard and validated. 7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources you think I might find useful. 8. I want to hear from time to time, “How are you?” And I want it to be more a greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it goes. 9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I wish you were pretty comfortable with gray areas and contradictions about what I feel and what I might want. 10. I want you to be predictable. I can count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do so. I honor that. Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to rethink life and relationships so as to create honor, joy and true intimacy.