Comments on: affair advice? http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html If You're Going To Do It, Do It Right! Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:20:00 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: joyhamil44 http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html/comment-page-1#comment-247 joyhamil44 Sat, 06 Mar 2010 18:36:39 +0000 http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html#comment-247 A marriage can survive the emotional trauma of an affair. But, it takes both spouses putting lots of effort into rebuilding trust and recovery from the painful behavior. A study by Peggy Vaughn showed that couples that discussed the affair and problems related to it in detail did better in the long run in rebuilding a happier marriage. Can't tell you the outcome for every couple, it's very individual. Some try to rebuild, but find that one spouse is not willing to do what is necessary. There is no quick fix. The longer the affair, the longer the deception continued and more to overcome. Finding some good support, resources and a counselor certified in couples counseling is helpful. Meeting the affair partner is also very individual. Many want to see what the other person looked like, as what we imagine is sometimes over whelming. Don't expect the other person to be honest with you. If anything, things might be said just to hurt you. Be careful about this one. Many betrayed spouses DO talk to the other person. Eventually, if you are going to stay in the relationship, and the former wayward spouse has changed their behavior, then you will have to work towards forgiveness. You cannot just forget, you need to deal with the problems. If the spouse will not change the behaviors and is unwilling to stop the affair behavior, then you might find that you have no choice but to end the marriage. If the marriage was already damaged from other destructive behaviors, then an affair might be the last straw. Consider what state the marriage was in before an affair happened. Was there abuse, neglect, addictions, etc? When there are children involved, it is worth the effort to take time and not make rash decisions when things are in an emotional turmoil. Get help for the kids if a separation takes place, it's hard on them. Resources A few good books: "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass “Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley “After the Affair” by Springs A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/ A few other helpful sites: http://www.dearpeggy.com/ http://marriagebuilders.com/ http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/ http://www.beyondaffairs.com/ http://peterfox.com.au/index.html A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma. http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/ http://survivinginfidelity.com/ An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created: http://www.aftertheaffair.net/ Some marriage weekend programs: http://www.retrouvaille.org/ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html A marriage can survive the emotional trauma of an affair. But, it takes both spouses putting lots of effort into rebuilding trust and recovery from the painful behavior. A study by Peggy Vaughn showed that couples that discussed the affair and problems related to it in detail did better in the long run in rebuilding a happier marriage. Can’t tell you the outcome for every couple, it’s very individual. Some try to rebuild, but find that one spouse is not willing to do what is necessary. There is no quick fix. The longer the affair, the longer the deception continued and more to overcome. Finding some good support, resources and a counselor certified in couples counseling is helpful.

Meeting the affair partner is also very individual. Many want to see what the other person looked like, as what we imagine is sometimes over whelming. Don’t expect the other person to be honest with you. If anything, things might be said just to hurt you. Be careful about this one. Many betrayed spouses DO talk to the other person.

Eventually, if you are going to stay in the relationship, and the former wayward spouse has changed their behavior, then you will have to work towards forgiveness. You cannot just forget, you need to deal with the problems.

If the spouse will not change the behaviors and is unwilling to stop the affair behavior, then you might find that you have no choice but to end the marriage. If the marriage was already damaged from other destructive behaviors, then an affair might be the last straw. Consider what state the marriage was in before an affair happened. Was there abuse, neglect, addictions, etc?

When there are children involved, it is worth the effort to take time and not make rash decisions when things are in an emotional turmoil. Get help for the kids if a separation takes place, it’s hard on them.

Resources
A few good books:
“Not Just Friends” by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

]]> By: cindra http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html/comment-page-1#comment-246 cindra Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:42:29 +0000 http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html#comment-246 It's best to let him go and I'll tell you why. You're dealing with a man of very poor character. You can't change a person's character and since he was so comfortable with doing this for two years, he'll be just as comfortable doing it again. That's why you always hear the term, one's a cheater always a cheater. Understand what went into that two-year affair---his heart was not with you, that's for sure. So, you'll never be able to forget that and trust him again, EVER. It's not fair for you to live the rest of your life with someone you don't trust and someone who doesn't fully love you. When you're unhappy, your children will be too. It is in your best interest to divorce him, recover, and find a man of good moral character, who will love you and respect you for life. It’s best to let him go and I’ll tell you why. You’re dealing with a man of very poor character. You can’t change a person’s character and since he was so comfortable with doing this for two years, he’ll be just as comfortable doing it again. That’s why you always hear the term, one’s a cheater always a cheater. Understand what went into that two-year affair—his heart was not with you, that’s for sure. So, you’ll never be able to forget that and trust him again, EVER. It’s not fair for you to live the rest of your life with someone you don’t trust and someone who doesn’t fully love you. When you’re unhappy, your children will be too. It is in your best interest to divorce him, recover, and find a man of good moral character, who will love you and respect you for life.

]]> By: Jess toots http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html/comment-page-1#comment-245 Jess toots Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:46:15 +0000 http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html#comment-245 Let him go.. Let him go..

]]> By: Walt http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html/comment-page-1#comment-244 Walt Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:28:21 +0000 http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html#comment-244 The survival rate is 100% if both are totally committed to making it happen. There are many reasons why men and women cheat. I cheated on my wife after about 15 years of marriage. There were many things going on at home and it was not right of me but it was some of the most incredible sex I had in over 10 years. We both realized the things that needed to change and we committed to those changes, our family and our two sons. We are extremely happy now and I have had offers to cheat but did not take them and went home and told her about the offers. Things are awesome when you have someone who looks at both sides of the issue and doesn't place all the blame on the other person. The wife has not even brought it up in over 2 years now, I know it is still there, but we do not make an issue of it. Both sides have to give 100% each and if not, there is someone out there who will satisfy their desires. It does not mean there is alot of pain and hurt but it can be done and you can be much stronger for it. Find out what went wrong for him to go looking and then fix it, and then guard it with your life so it does not happen again. You can forgive, but you will never forget. Best of luck. The survival rate is 100% if both are totally committed to making it happen. There are many reasons why men and women cheat. I cheated on my wife after about 15 years of marriage. There were many things going on at home and it was not right of me but it was some of the most incredible sex I had in over 10 years. We both realized the things that needed to change and we committed to those changes, our family and our two sons. We are extremely happy now and I have had offers to cheat but did not take them and went home and told her about the offers. Things are awesome when you have someone who looks at both sides of the issue and doesn’t place all the blame on the other person. The wife has not even brought it up in over 2 years now, I know it is still there, but we do not make an issue of it. Both sides have to give 100% each and if not, there is someone out there who will satisfy their desires. It does not mean there is alot of pain and hurt but it can be done and you can be much stronger for it. Find out what went wrong for him to go looking and then fix it, and then guard it with your life so it does not happen again. You can forgive, but you will never forget. Best of luck.

]]> By: Tempest Twilight http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html/comment-page-1#comment-243 Tempest Twilight Sat, 06 Mar 2010 15:51:54 +0000 http://www.perfectsecretaffair.com/affair-advice.html#comment-243 I would demand to know the identity of the other person and I would confront them about it. Keeping a marriage together for the kids is NEVER a good idea. Why not? Because no matter how hard you try, you will never really be able to forgive and forget a betrayal, thus, you will never be able to present your kids with the proper example of what a happy, trusting marriage is supposed to be. I would demand to know the identity of the other person and I would confront them about it. Keeping a marriage together for the kids is NEVER a good idea. Why not? Because no matter how hard you try, you will never really be able to forgive and forget a betrayal, thus, you will never be able to present your kids with the proper example of what a happy, trusting marriage is supposed to be.

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